Where is God in life?
Now before you all just turn away and run, let me hasten to say...I do find God in life many times. But sometimes I just get so tired of trying to live. Life doesn't make any sense and sometimes it seems you just spend the time trying to rectify the mistakes you made when you didn't know God as personally as you do now. And then sometimes I just get so tired of performance and perfection. It seems that is all I caught as a young girl growing up and it has left me feeling so worn out and tired. God in His mercy has wooed me back again to His side but the spiritual rebirth process is so LONG and HARD and sometimes I wonder if I am going to make it. I don't know if I am making any sense to anyone. Life is so trivial without God...yet sometimes it seems I can't find God in the trivial things and then I just want to run away...to where?? Do you hear the desperation inside of me? I long to be a mature Christian and so often I find myself thinking that is what others are expecting of me. Well the truth is I am a MESS and even tho I have 6 children and am married for 16 years I am far from what I should be. Now I am not trying to throw stones at anyone in my past life but being real about life is what God wants us to be. I didn't learn how to be real, I learned how to cover everything up and make it look right on the outside. Oh there were some things that were real in me but for the most part I was caught up in performance. I started out meaning well but performance took me down a bad path. The longer I performed the less I knew God...even though I wanted HIM very badly. I am not saying I turned my back on Him but the joy and delight dwindled away and anger and control took over. In that all God continued to work, thank you Jesus. But the journey is far from over and I am so tired. I know Jesus will love me in the process but I get so frustrated with myself. Sometimes I just want to shoot myself....not literally. It is just very negative inside of me and the battle waxes fierce so much of the time. I hope I am not saying too much but I so desperately want to be whole. The depression just wants to suck me under.
posted by jump4joy @ 6:46 PM
8 Comments:
At August 29, 2006 7:08 AM,
Constance said…
I ama first time poster but just wanted to encourage your heart to stay the course. I love one of our Pastor's favorite sayings: "God is looking for progress & not perfection". We are called to be perfect like our Heavenly Father but our sinful, human nature will always be at war within us, preventing complete perfection this side of the grave. I have found that when I am REALLY struggling with something in my life, when satan has launched a full scale assault; I need to hang in there because God is moving and is on the verge of something HUGE! When the enemy presses in it's because he doesn't want for us to have what God has in store for us. If it's in God's will for us, we can be assured that no matter how painful, it is something HE intends to use in our lives. Whether to heal us emotionally or physically or draw us deeper into a relationship with HIM, HE is sovereign and has our best interest at heart.
Connie
At August 30, 2006 10:46 AM,
ampraisingHim said…
I don't know if you've been reading some of my recent blog posts, but I've been dealing with some similar things. I too have been raised with a performance attitude. Everything had to appear to be perfect, even when we were dealing with some pretty serious things in our lives. I too am not taking shots at anyone in my past, but there is a difference. I for so long, have been on the ground (so to speak) and looking up, trying to reach God by my behaviour....and feeling guilty and horrible when I messed up. But recently I realized that our eyes should be as if we are up in heaven standing 'beside'!!! God. When we accept Him as Saviour, we are made a part of His family (JOhn ch. 1). We are His children. He loves us (First, Second, Third John). It took me awhile to realize that I don't need to strive in life...yes because I love Him, I will then obey, but there's a difference, if you know what I mean. Does this make any sense. Feel free to ask me to explain, because I think I know how you feel. This perfection 'game' is not worth living....I now call it.. the loving way..... Does this make sense?
At August 30, 2006 10:47 AM,
ampraisingHim said…
By the way, I'm praying earnestly for you. Keep me posted. :)
At August 30, 2006 10:52 AM,
ampraisingHim said…
oh, a book that's really impacted me recently is Water From a Stone, the exact title and author is on my blog, a couple of posts back. He deals with this subject, its an easy read.
At August 31, 2006 9:21 AM,
ampraisingHim said…
to answer your question, yes I have been reading your blog...your words help me define those feeling which I couldn't name inside of me. Thank you. I've posted an update this morning, (Thurs. Aug 31) I'm praying for you, how are you?
At August 31, 2006 6:05 PM,
Trisha said…
I think the hardest thing for many of us is realizing that God loves us. No buts, no if onlys...He loves us now, here, where and who we are. It's tough to see why. We see the ugly in us and forget He looks at us through the Blood of Jesus and that precious Blood causes Him to see us complete, perfected, and whole. I struggle with it myself and have my whole life.
At September 01, 2006 9:03 AM,
Dorcas said…
Just want you to know that your post resonated with me and some things I've gone through. Victory for me came when I reached the end of my string and said, "God, I simply cannot be good enough to please you or get to heaven. If you don't get me there, I'm not gonna make it." I mean, I hit bottom. And then I came to realize that the Holy Spirit has made it his job to get me to maturity/heaven, and I can relinquish that heavy responsibility that I am completely unable to carry anyway.
Also: you have six children, be gentle with yourself. Talk to people. Ask for help. See a doctor. Eat protein. Drink water. Sleep. Things will get better.
At September 06, 2006 11:27 PM,
thevbunch said…
You don't know me and I don't know you. I'm not sure how I got here. But I just want to tell you Your Savior loves you. Psalms tells us that he remembers "our frame" He made us and he understands we are not perfect and sometimes life seems too big to handle. That's when he steps in and shows Himself our "Abba, Father" He never asks for perfection just as we never ask it from our children, just a heart that is open to learn. And please remember Lot's wife, sister, don't ever, ever look back. If things are under the blood they are GONE! Our God is a God of Today. He is the I AM, not I was. And yes, remember it takes work to be a mommy, and a tired body and mind sometimes find it hard to keep the right perspective. Take good care of yourself and find some way to get a little rest. May God be near you !
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