Where is God in life?

Now before you all just turn away and run, let me hasten to say...I do find God in life many times. But sometimes I just get so tired of trying to live. Life doesn't make any sense and sometimes it seems you just spend the time trying to rectify the mistakes you made when you didn't know God as personally as you do now. And then sometimes I just get so tired of performance and perfection. It seems that is all I caught as a young girl growing up and it has left me feeling so worn out and tired. God in His mercy has wooed me back again to His side but the spiritual rebirth process is so LONG and HARD and sometimes I wonder if I am going to make it. I don't know if I am making any sense to anyone. Life is so trivial without God...yet sometimes it seems I can't find God in the trivial things and then I just want to run away...to where?? Do you hear the desperation inside of me? I long to be a mature Christian and so often I find myself thinking that is what others are expecting of me. Well the truth is I am a MESS and even tho I have 6 children and am married for 16 years I am far from what I should be. Now I am not trying to throw stones at anyone in my past life but being real about life is what God wants us to be. I didn't learn how to be real, I learned how to cover everything up and make it look right on the outside. Oh there were some things that were real in me but for the most part I was caught up in performance. I started out meaning well but performance took me down a bad path. The longer I performed the less I knew God...even though I wanted HIM very badly. I am not saying I turned my back on Him but the joy and delight dwindled away and anger and control took over. In that all God continued to work, thank you Jesus. But the journey is far from over and I am so tired. I know Jesus will love me in the process but I get so frustrated with myself. Sometimes I just want to shoot myself....not literally. It is just very negative inside of me and the battle waxes fierce so much of the time. I hope I am not saying too much but I so desperately want to be whole. The depression just wants to suck me under.

What a week!

This week was so busy putting away food for the winter. We did 100+ quarts of peaches, 55 quarts of applesauce, 7 quarts of pizza sauce, 60+ pounds of blueberries and 37 quarts of corn. It felt like I didn't have time to think. Plus there was wash and dishes and yard to mow and all the other things that need to be done. I have a seperate place out in the garage to do my canning this year and that has been so nice. It helps to keep the house from getting so messy. Tomorrow I guess we tackle some cleaning around here. My body is calling for a break.

Thanks

Thanks so much for the prayers, dear friends!
We have some things that aren't so easily solved to deal with over the next while so it calls for some heart searching and prayer. So keep praying please! We have a guy that isn't following through with his deal on the property that we own and is living in the house. We also desperately need the money from that property to pay off some other debts that we have. We have tried most every reasonable method to get this guy to do things legally and he doesn't seem to want to cooperate. He actually seems to have gone through a personality change since we first met him and we wonder how we got messed up with a guy like him? Legal action is going to cost money and we really don't have that kind of money to spend.
It is a busy time of year. I have corn to freeze and peaches to can this week. I am also hoping to get a few more blueberries. Tomatoes are starting to produce now and we froze some beautiful peppers last week. I just wish I could live off of fresh garden produce and fresh fruit year round and not have to do so much canning and freezing. We are also eating fresh potatoes and green beans--yummy yum.
Last night I was feeling quite stressed out and then our church service was about "beholding the glory of God" It was a good reminder to me. Nothing is too hard for God and we are dearly loved by Him. My job is to embrace the cross He sends and to be open to both the joys and sorrows of life.

prayer please

There are some issues that make the next couple weeks and maybe even the next month or so quite difficult. I don't feel at liberty to discuss them in great length on here but I would like to ask you to please pray for me. I am having to walk a difficult path right now and I do so want to learn how God wants me to handle it all. I want to grant forgiveness and mercy and release. I want God to work in my own heart. I know without Him I am nothing. My own heart needs to find God in these issues. I believe God has shown me some things in the past but it still feels like He has more work to do on this issue, a deeper healing. Thanks so much.