friendships matter

Underneath are the everlasting arms

2006-09-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

I truly have felt the everlasting arms the last while. Thanks to all who left encouraging comments and prayed. The desperation inside of me feels much less and there is more of resting. Just living life and finding God in the midst of it rather than trying so hard to perform and do life. Just being rather than doing. Not hiding and trying to ignore the heartaches of life but also not trying so hard to do things right but rather just facing each moment with God at my side, knowing that He can help me with whatever I need to face.
Two books I am reading right now are also playing into this being able to rest instead of perform. One was recommended by a friend in blog world..."Water from Stone" and the other is one I had read before but pulled out once more because of Sunday School..."Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. The other author I can't remember right now but thanks goes to ampraisinghim for recommending it.
Love you all...keep on keeping on!!!!

Where is God in life?

2006-08-26T18:46:00.000-05:00

Now before you all just turn away and run, let me hasten to say...I do find God in life many times. But sometimes I just get so tired of trying to live. Life doesn't make any sense and sometimes it seems you just spend the time trying to rectify the mistakes you made when you didn't know God as personally as you do now. And then sometimes I just get so tired of performance and perfection. It seems that is all I caught as a young girl growing up and it has left me feeling so worn out and tired. God in His mercy has wooed me back again to His side but the spiritual rebirth process is so LONG and HARD and sometimes I wonder if I am going to make it. I don't know if I am making any sense to anyone. Life is so trivial without God...yet sometimes it seems I can't find God in the trivial things and then I just want to run away...to where?? Do you hear the desperation inside of me? I long to be a mature Christian and so often I find myself thinking that is what others are expecting of me. Well the truth is I am a MESS and even tho I have 6 children and am married for 16 years I am far from what I should be. Now I am not trying to throw stones at anyone in my past life but being real about life is what God wants us to be. I didn't learn how to be real, I learned how to cover everything up and make it look right on the outside. Oh there were some things that were real in me but for the most part I was caught up in performance. I started out meaning well but performance took me down a bad path. The longer I performed the less I knew God...even though I wanted HIM very badly. I am not saying I turned my back on Him but the joy and delight dwindled away and anger and control took over. In that all God continued to work, thank you Jesus. But the journey is far from over and I am so tired. I know Jesus will love me in the process but I get so frustrated with myself. Sometimes I just want to shoot myself....not literally. It is just very negative inside of me and the battle waxes fierce so much of the time. I hope I am not saying too much but I so desperately want to be whole. The depression just wants to suck me under.

What a week!

2006-08-18T19:49:00.000-05:00

This week was so busy putting away food for the winter. We did 100+ quarts of peaches, 55 quarts of applesauce, 7 quarts of pizza sauce, 60+ pounds of blueberries and 37 quarts of corn. It felt like I didn't have time to think. Plus there was wash and dishes and yard to mow and all the other things that need to be done. I have a seperate place out in the garage to do my canning this year and that has been so nice. It helps to keep the house from getting so messy. Tomorrow I guess we tackle some cleaning around here. My body is calling for a break.

Thanks

2006-08-14T20:34:00.000-05:00

Thanks so much for the prayers, dear friends!
We have some things that aren't so easily solved to deal with over the next while so it calls for some heart searching and prayer. So keep praying please! We have a guy that isn't following through with his deal on the property that we own and is living in the house. We also desperately need the money from that property to pay off some other debts that we have. We have tried most every reasonable method to get this guy to do things legally and he doesn't seem to want to cooperate. He actually seems to have gone through a personality change since we first met him and we wonder how we got messed up with a guy like him? Legal action is going to cost money and we really don't have that kind of money to spend.
It is a busy time of year. I have corn to freeze and peaches to can this week. I am also hoping to get a few more blueberries. Tomatoes are starting to produce now and we froze some beautiful peppers last week. I just wish I could live off of fresh garden produce and fresh fruit year round and not have to do so much canning and freezing. We are also eating fresh potatoes and green beans--yummy yum.
Last night I was feeling quite stressed out and then our church service was about "beholding the glory of God" It was a good reminder to me. Nothing is too hard for God and we are dearly loved by Him. My job is to embrace the cross He sends and to be open to both the joys and sorrows of life.

prayer please

2006-08-02T06:02:00.000-05:00

There are some issues that make the next couple weeks and maybe even the next month or so quite difficult. I don't feel at liberty to discuss them in great length on here but I would like to ask you to please pray for me. I am having to walk a difficult path right now and I do so want to learn how God wants me to handle it all. I want to grant forgiveness and mercy and release. I want God to work in my own heart. I know without Him I am nothing. My own heart needs to find God in these issues. I believe God has shown me some things in the past but it still feels like He has more work to do on this issue, a deeper healing. Thanks so much.

BUSY???!!!

2006-07-28T11:10:00.000-05:00

Here is some food for thought.

SATAN'S MEETING

Satan called a worldwide convention of demons. In his opening address he said, "We can't keep Christians from going to church. We can't keep them form reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from forming and intimate relationship with their Savior. Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners, but steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ."
"This is what I want you to do," said the devil. "Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!"
"How shall we do this?" the demons shouted.
"Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," Satan answered. "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow. Persuade their wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours each day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their families fragment, soon their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work! Overstimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice. Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive. Keep the TV, VCR, CDS and their PC'S going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ."
"Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services, and false hopes. Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so that their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what is important, and they will become dissatisfied with their wives. Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night. Give them headaches, too! If they don't give their husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere. That will fragment the home quickly!"
"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from the teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas. Give them an Easter Bunny so they won't talk about His resurrection and power over sin and death."
" Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from recreation exhausted. Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead. Keep them busy, busy, busy!"
"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences. Crowd their lives with so many causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause. IT WILL WORK! It will work!
It was quite a plan! The demons went eagerly to their assignments, causing Christians everywhere to get more busy and more rushed, going here and there. Having little time for God or their families. Having NO time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives.
Guess the question is, "Has the devil been successful at his scheme?"
You be the judge! Does "busy" mean:
B-eing
U-nder
S-atan's
Y-oke?

Now I am not trying to say that being busy is all wrong. But I have been challenged to evaluate my busyness from time to time to make sure that I am staying balanced. That is my challenge to you. Have a great day. Keep Jesus as our focus and # 1 priority.

UNAFRAID

2006-07-05T14:37:00.000-05:00

I was listening to some music the other day. This one phrase stood out to me...Unafraid, because I know who You are...Unafraid. How many times do we stand paralyzed by life because we don't know who God really is? Sometimes I wonder why God even gives us desires and dreams if they don't seem to get fulfilled. But then a friend told me that too often we figure out the way we want them to get fulfilled and God may have a totally differant way of dressing them, so to speak. So we have to constantly yield to Jesus on these matters, knowing that our hearts are made for Him. Because we live in a fallen world not everything is going to be the way we want it. Sorrow can refine us and joy can be our portion if we just yield to God. SORROW + JOY = PEACE

A Child is Missing

2006-07-03T13:45:00.000-05:00

Our oldest son, Joseph, 14, left to spend some time in Texas with his grandparents. He went last summer and it was the same way. It always seems to be someone missing and I find myself counting to make sure they are all here. My mind knows he is at a safe place but somehow still cannot shake off the idea that someone is missing. I think that must be how Jesus feels when someone is truly missing, that is why he will leave the 99 and go look for the lost sheep. I know I would do that in a heartbeat for my son if I knew he was truly lost and alone somewhere.

Bikes for Free!!!

2006-06-21T16:53:00.000-05:00

We went looking for a yard sale that had a bike for my oldest son. We spied this one and upon stopping my boys quickly ran to investigate. The big bikes were FREE and we thanked God as we loaded not just one but 3 bikes up and brought them home. God truly cares about the little things of life. He knew what a blessing they would be to our family. Thank-You God.

Garage Sales

2006-06-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

This weekend there are community garage sales so we decided to set one up here as well. Maybe all we have is junk because it feels like there are more people walking away than those buying something. Oh well, I guess the Salvation Army can open up their doors for our leftovers. Most things are not coming back in the house, they can find a home SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!! I usually enjoy going to garage sales but this year I don't feel in need of much and I really want to clean out rather than accumalate. I may go for a spin tomorrow morning to check a few out.

I am still alive

2006-06-14T21:50:00.000-05:00

You all probably wonder what is happening? Life continues to be very busy. We decided to plant a bigger garden this year plus start some asparagus and strawberry plants. Then we decided to go ahead and plant 1000 strawberry plants and start a pick your own patch. Probably will also offer some already picked as well. We had a late frost and had to replant some things. I took a few days and headed to Lancaster County for some time with family and friends. Keeping 6 children occupied in a good way seems to be a full time job!!
Last but not least, I am cutting back and fully intending to get off my medication for my depression. It isn't easy and I am getting tired of it. Each time I cut back I go through this difficult time of withdrawal and learning how to deal with life in a new way. I am grateful for the medication's help earlier but it is a pain to get off of. I think a lot of people just come to accept that they will be on it the rest of their life especially when they have been on as much as I have. But it really only keeps you numbed and addicted (dare I use such a strong word) I am not saying that you shouldn't ever use medication. I only now am realizing how used to it your body becomes and how hard it is to get off. I also want to say that if you don't have someone that can walk with you and help you find your way through the getting off, you probably shouldn't try it. It can be very overwhelming but I am grateful that I have found someone that truly has a balanced approach to life and is a genuine," sold out to God" Christian. We need more people like this one. Someone that truly cares about you and will help you chart new waters and learn how to deal with life in a Christlike way and also help you find healing.
I hope that I can write a little more frequently... I guess time will tell. It sure has helped to get bloglines to help me keep track of those blogs that I like to read. And maybe that will help me have more time to keep updating my own blog. Haven't learned how to put on pictures yet...that will be my next challenge.

Children are a blessing

2006-05-08T18:12:00.000-05:00

I feel so blessed with my family of 6 children especially when I realize that a doctor recommended to stop at number 4 because of the complications I was experiencing. And God honored my heart and gave me 2 more since that. I am blessed... It seems that for some people that would be plenty and more than enough to keep their hands full. But I can't help but think as my youngest heads toward his 4th birthday and friends around me continue to have babies...how nice it would be to hold another sweet little one in my arms again and be granted the grace of parenting another little one. May God's will be done is my prayer. And in the meantime I will stay busy parenting the ones He has already given to me.

Baby bunnies, garden planting

2006-04-24T14:53:00.000-05:00

My son had a mother rabbit that died and had a nest of little bunnies. So my children decided they would like to try and raise them. The 4 little ones didn't even have their eyes open yet. I found a dropper and we diluted some milk and so far so good. We will see what happens. The one had its eyes open this morning.
Garden planting time...what fun to get out and work in the soil. We got some things in last week...potatoes and onions, peas and lettuce and a few radishes. I also worked on a flower bed that needed some desperate cleanup. The tulips and daffodils are blooming...hurrah for spring. It does help to get out in the warm sunshine and do some outside work. The depression does seem to be lifting some again for which I am grateful.
Have a great week with Jesus.

What can I say?

2006-04-20T07:19:00.000-05:00

I have not written for a while...life is pretty tough right now. I am battling depression again and the emotions get overwhelmed pretty quickly these days. Would you all just pray for me that I can find Jesus in all of this and allow His work to be done in my life through this time? It is spring and we just had Easter but my life feels like it is in winter right now.

If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?

2006-03-31T21:40:00.000-05:00

I was listening to a preacher expound on this verse found in Psalm 11:3. I only got part of it but was impressed with several things. First off, when man sinned in the garden, God could have pulled the plug so to speak but didn't. Instead He went looking for them...oh what love the Father has bestowed upon us!!! Secondly the conditions of this country are going downhill...you can get most anybody to agree to that but start to talk about the answer to mans problems... most aren't open to it. They cry themselves to sleep over their problems but still refuse to accept that the conditions are a result of man's sin and that they need Jesus. As Christians we have several options in this deteriating society....we can fight, flee or focus on Jesus. The first 2 are not good responses although I would venture to guess we all have done them or at least thought about doing them. Whether it be our own personal world that feels like it is falling apart or the world in general....we need to focus on Jesus. He is still on the throne and He will remember His own. He never will leave us alone!!!! Life isn't about us...it is about what God wants to accomplish and if it be through bad things or good we can trust Him to see us through. I am God's and no man can pluck me out of His hand. WE can choose to leave but no one can take us away from God. We serve a risen Saviour...lets proclaim Him to a dying world.

shopping and friends

2006-03-30T08:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday a friend and I went thrift store shopping. It was neat to see how God helped me to find things that my family needed and it was really nice to do it with a dear friend!!! She has been such a tremendous blessing to me. The other week she helped me cut out a dress and even sewed part of it to give me a boost. I was ready to wear it for church this past Sunday but had to stay home because I had pink eye for the second time!!!! Pink eye is not fun...I like to wear contacts but when you have that you can't. Anyways it was nice to get out with a friend yesterday. Took my 2 preschoolers along and in the process my youngest lost one of his favorite stuffed animals. Wasn't sure just what would come out of it but so far he has took it quite well. Last night at bedtime he was so tired he didn't think about it most likely plus I had already told him it was bye-bye at a store. He doesn't like ladybugs and right now they are crawling out of the cracks and he is absolutely afraid of them. So he hasn't really liked sleeping in his bed--it doesn't feel safe after seeing ladybugs in the room I guess. So last night he fell asleep on the floor and I carried him to bed. To all of you dear friends out there I love each one of you and enjoy reading your posts.

Winter again

2006-03-23T09:51:00.000-05:00

I wonder...did March and January get mixed up??? It is winter and this week was the first day of spring...oh well such is weather in Crawford Co. sometimes. I do know that God will send us warmer weather eventually...I can't wait for green grass, warm sunshine, fresh vegetables and garden time. Pretty flowers and picnics...oh I think I have spring fever.
But for now...my house awaits some cleaning and I need to be faithful in that as well. Anyone have tips on how to keep things organized and neat ? Seems I struggle big time with that...I can get some of it organized but then it goes downhill again. I guess that comes with having a family. Cleaning is not my most favorite thing in the world to do either and so I can let it slide too much.
Have a great day with Jesus.

3 years ago continued

2006-03-23T09:32:00.000-05:00

We were in that hospital for almost 5 weeks. She had 2 major surgeries and 2 ICU visits in that time frame as well as several other surgeries that weren't quite as major. The first major one was to do a skin flap which is deeper than a skin graft. This they took from her right arm which then in turn had to be covered with skin from her thigh. This was a touchy operation because they had to hook up blood supply to the front part which was included in the skin flap. She was in a isolated ICU room and under pretty constant supervision because of the magnitude of everything. The next major surgery was to put in nerves from her legs so that she would have feeling in the palm and fingers. They also installed little rods to hold open places for the tendons to go eventually. That surgery to replace tendons was done several months later and again were taken from her legs. Then about a year later she had surgery to remove scar tissue in order to gain more function of her fingers but the therapists we had at the time didn't really know how to work with her and so it felt like a loss until we got hooked up with another therapy place about 6 months later and then we began to make progress. Now we have been going there for over a year and have basically reached the potential she has currently. We were just to Pittsburgh again this week and the dr. is talking about possible surgery to restore more motion to her hand. We still need to continue with therapy for maintenance but at least we don't have to go every week anymore!!! At one time we went 5 days a week for around 3 months and some of the other times we were going 2 or 3 days a week. So once a week didn't feel so bad at first but now I am glad to see the time we don't even have to go that much. This month has brought back a lot of memories and sadness. But at the same time I can say that God has walked with us and that He has been faithful. There were times I couldn't find Him but that was my problem, not Gods. He has used this for a refining process in my life and tho I don't wish it on anyone I think I am at the point where I can thank Him for what He has done in the process of this whole accident. It is hard to see your daughter go through all this but I trust it will have a softening effect on her life as well. Pray for her that she can see God in the middle of all of this. The devil sure likes to wreak havoc where he can but God is GREATER than the devil and He will be VICTORIOUS.

3 years ago...

2006-03-11T21:06:00.000-05:00

March 19,2003 started out as any day would...but by the end of the day we were sitting in Children's Hospital wondering just what all lay ahead of us. Our daughter, Rosalie, 7 at the time, had gone out to the shop with her brother to help and be with daddy. I finished clearing away dinner and opened the door to give some scraps to the cats and heard the screaming. Instantly I knew something was drastically wrong and I ran for the shop. I got there just as John was releasing her hand from the wide belt sander. I saw the look of horror on his face and decided that someone has to stay in control here so I didn't look at it...just grabbed her and basically carried her to the house, grabbed some towels and wrapped it up. Told my husband to call the ambulance and proceeded to lay Rosalie down to help with the shock. She was crying and kept repeating how bad it hurt. It seemed to be ages till the ambulance came and took over. They were able to give her morphine as soon as they got her loaded and we set out for Meadville. John took our other preschoolers and the baby and set out to find them a home. I was nursing our 7 month old and told him to bring him along because I knew we were in for an ordeal. She was transferred to Pittsburgh and John again was left to find his way alone with the baby. Upon arrival there, she was seen by a plastic surgeon that didn't offer us a lot of hope for her hand. But she was stabilized and they asked if it would be okay to wait for another plastic surgeon to see her. That was an answer to our prayers because he offered hope and reconstruction of the hand. The whole palm of the hand was gone, the only thing keeping her fingers alive was the back of her hand. Her thumb was broken badly at the second joint. Some of the bone and all the tendons and most of the muscles and nerves were gone. Thus began an almost 5 week stay in the hospital in Pittsburgh. By the way I had to send my baby home the next day with John and have someone switch him to a bottle. I was able to pump my milk but decided not to keep up the supply because I didn't know what all was going to happen and didn't have the energy to do what was needed to keep up the supply. I just pumped for comfort until my milk supply dwindled away. Rosalie was in so much pain...we cried with her much of the time. They eventually got pain control involved and differant meds were tried...it was quite an ordeal to keep her comfortable most days in the beginning. To be continued...

depression

2006-02-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

I have struggled with major depression the last 3-4 years. I have been hospitalized once and on several differant kinds of medication. Depression is a complex thing and sometimes not very well understood. One thing the depressed person needs is to have someone that cares about them and knows how to help them process and sort through the things that are going on. Mine has been a combination of things. Inbalanced hormones has played a part in the depression.... Also playing into the picture was alot of emotional turmoil that I was in about some life issues. These things are not always easily resolved. Depression upsets the life of a person in many ways...for me there was and still is certain things that I could do at one time and have not been able to do since depression. One thing is sewing...it used to be something I really enjoyed doing and now I can hardly bring myself to sew. I have had someone else helping me out in this area. I can think more about sewing than I could at one time so I am hoping we are moving in the right direction with it. Someone told me that with time it will come back. Another big thing in my journey with depression was the accident of our girl, which I will write about another time. It was a very traumatic time and it made the depression worse. It was after that I landed in the hospital afraid I would do something bad to the ones I loved. I couldn't handle daily life anymore. Medication helps but you also need to get at the root of things so I started counseling more in earnest...I had done some before but it became apparent that there were things that were crippling me up so to speak and it needed to be addressed. We have a dedicated pastor and one that cares deeply for hurting people and so with his help and guidance we struggled on. I had stuffed so many things inside and now they were all screaming to be heard and I didn't know how to keep going. I just wanted to die alot of the time. The real person...the one that wanted Jesus and to do what was right seemed to hide all the time, seemed to be imprisoned. I had to let Jesus come in and slowly but surely help me untangle the inward mess. I still am in the process but I am getting closer to freedom all the time. Praise the Lord. Maybe more later on this subject....

parenting

2006-02-20T11:20:00.001-05:00

I was greatly challenged over the weekend as we heard several messages on the home. We certainly have a great responsibility as mothers and fathers. What vision do you have for your family? How are you taking steps to accomplish that vision? These were two of the ideas presented to us. Another one was about meeting the real needs of our children. What are they? One important one is that children need to feel loved and have a sense of belonging. They really need and want boundaries set up for them and enforced even though outwardly they may act like they don't. They need to learn about God and as they grow older to make a decision to make that Him a personal God and then to make pratical applications to that. As children grow their needs get more complex...that is certainly the truth!! WE have a 13, almost 14 year old and there are many times I wonder just what way to take with him. Honesty and humility from the parents are very vital in dealing with teenagers. It is very crucial to keep open the lines of communication with your children but that seems easier said than done sometimes. Parenting takes a lot of time and commitment. We have to constantly evaluate our lifestyle and keep things in their proper priorities. The most important thing we can give to our children is ourselves as people being totally sold out to God and what He wants for our lives. The children will know whether or not you have a vital relationship with God by the way we act. Always treat their emotions as adult emotions...in other words the little thing that has happened to them to make them sad is just as important to them as something that makes us feel sad. For example, your little boy's toy gets stepped on and broken. His feelings about the matter are very real to him even though to us it may just be a cheap toy and nothing worth crying over. May God give us wisdom as parents.

introduction

2006-02-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

I am new to the blogging world but would like to broaden my horizons. I have been reading some lately and have really enjoyed it. I am a Christian that is sold out to Christ and all that He wants for me to become. I welcome interaction with all Christian people that want Jesus to be their focus and direction for this life. I will post more later when I have a bit more time to think about all this and what I want to share.